in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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