I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i would punch a child for taco bell
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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