Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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