remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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