If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
