I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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