I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
