The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Fuck appropriateness.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
