fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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