why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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