At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
