her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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