3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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