Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
