you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So apparently I’m into choking now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
