The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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