I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
