Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
