wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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