she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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