one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
