if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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