FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
