I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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