PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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