I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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