eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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