clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
