That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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