We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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