If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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