i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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