i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
