I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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