The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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