Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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