Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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