Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You left your underwear on the fireplace
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
