So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
