new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
