god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize