Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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