did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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