Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
