If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
