i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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