someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
