I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
