i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
