Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
