I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
