well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize