Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
