How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
