i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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