I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
don't judge my taste in strippers
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
