I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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