My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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