he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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