youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
