When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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