how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We had sex on a dog bed..
i think my cat just said my name.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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