it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
